This is hard for me to post, but I feel like I need to. I thought I’d show you the beginnings of a little progress I’ve made recently. The first photo was taken a couple of months ago and the second was taken today. In the first I’m deeply uncomfortable in my own skin. Truly, I just don’t recognise myself. My features seem tiny, lost behind a face that’s too big for them. The fact is, that with a BMI of 31, I’d become obese.
It had taken me a year or two to get there, and all the while I’d wanted to believe that the weight I’d gained didn’t matter- that big can be beautiful. **OF COURSE IT CAN** I wanted to be a positive champion amongst the big girls, ‘own’ my curves, be body positive, be part of the movement.
But the reality of where I was, was anything but positive. Anything but healthy. My reality was that simply walking caused my legs to rub together and become chafed & sore. Climbing stairs left me breathless & sweaty. I avoided social occasions because I was painfully self-conscious and didn’t want anybody to see me. My only means of coping with the abundant stress in my life at the time were drinking and binge-eating. None of this was healthy. None of this worthy of the body positive movement. And what I had to realise, was that body positivity isn’t actually about celebrating ‘fatness’. It’s about having a healthy, positive self-image. It’s being comfortable with who you are.
I intend to be.
Having finally overcome the obstacles that had been standing in my way – which I will blog about at some point – I’ve now begun the journey towards a me I’m comfortable with. In the last few weeks I’ve formed new exercise & diet habits that are already changing my body & wellbeing. I’ve got further to go, but I’m hell bent on getting where I want to be.
What’s more I intend to never, ever become obsessive about it. I’m sticking to my plan a good 70% of the time, but I also need balance. If my friends are getting together to eat tacos & drink tequila, I’ll be joining in. I’ll just be sure to rein it back in come Monday. I need balance. I need normal. And really that’s what body positivity means to me. I am normal.
Soundtrack: ‘Back To The Middle‘, India Arie